Antidotes to violence: Nurturing our young men into being strong.
As a female, white counsellor and psychotherapist, I don’t pretend to know everything about fatherhood or different cultures of fatherhood. But I do know that we need fathers and other men as helpers, nurturing our young men into adulthood.
In what way do you wish your son to be strong? What do you want him to learn from you?
Not everyone who is subjected to power and abuse goes on to become disrespectful and abusive to others, but there is a tipping point. It seems common sense that a young man cannot give respect if they haven’t had the experience of it.
We become who we are through our relationships with others, and we can change through relationships.
The ‘Stop it at the Start - The Hidden Trends of Disrespect – 60 second ad’ tells the stories of online influencers invading the minds of young people. In my experience, the recruitment into using violence or misogyny can be seeded at an early age.
My work in the past, with men who have used violence, tells me that they often carry stories of abuse done to them or multiple small acts of belittling by others in positions of power.
This harm can come from all genders, but it seems fueled by a patriarchal culture that tells young boys not to show feelings and girls to be quiet. These stories and ways of being can follow us into adulthood.
Don’t swim like a girl, don’t cry like a baby (said to a young man)
Don’t speak too much, or people will think you are too smart (said to a young woman)
Our culture (the patriarchal part of it) and the stories about how men should be feeling-less, and girls should be quiet, hurt both men and women, as discussed by Gilligan and Snider in Why Patriarchy Persists (2018).
I wonder what will make it possible for the young man you know to stand strong against peer pressure and take a stand towards how women and girls are being treated?
I don’t have all the answers to the problems, but in individual work with men, or anyone for that matter, responsibility and continued accountability start with invitations and our own role modelling of respect and justice towards them.
How do you want to show respect in the relationship with your young man?
How do you want to practice the tolerance you wish to invoke?
How important is it to you to show respect rather than demand it?
These questions are also the type of questions we as counsellors should ask of ourselves. If you meet with a counsellor, you should also be able to notice the respect in how they speak to you or how they speak about the young man you seek support for.
If something feels unanswered and you are wondering about support for yourself or someone you care about, contact me. If you are not comfortable speaking to a female counsellor about these matters, I can refer you to a male practitioner who works similarly to me.
Resources
If you are a local to Bendigo Victoria, where I practice from face-to-face (and online), Orange Door is the entry to get support not just for those seeking support from violence, but also for those who want to change their ways:
Guide to conversations about respect and respectful relationships with young people, with tips on how to have non-blaming conversations:
https://www.respect.gov.au/conversation-guide
Men’s Line Australia has a free phone line and resources:
References
Gilligan, C., & Snider, N. (2018). Why does patriarchy persist? John Wiley & Sons.
