The absence of belonging and being history-less
What first inspired me to write this journal entry was a fellow counsellor’s offer of a Brave Belonging Circle for skilled migrants in Australia.
What hope can you hold onto in the middle of
a journey?
My colleagues’ offering of the belonging circle made me think about my own journey of migration 22 years ago and ponder about belonging.
At the beginning of my personal journey of migration to Australia, I remember a sense of loss and being history-less, as no one knew my stories.
On the flip side was also a sense that I could be who I wanted to be.
I wonder how your story of migration affected how you made a life here, in another city or another country?
The regional city of Bendigo on Dja Dja Wurrung Country where I work and live now, is a place where many cultures intersect. It is also a place where displacement and not belonging were inflicted on the traditional owners of the land.
Like in the rest of Australia, people have migrated here or perhaps fled here, hoping for belonging and for a more prosperous life or a peaceful place to bring up children.
Fleeing or migrating to another country or place, sooner or later brings up questions of belonging. The question of ‘do I belong or not’ is also a question central to all human existence.
Questions about belonging
Do I belong in my family?
Do I belong in my group of friends?
Do I belong at my workplace?
Do I belong in this culture?
Do I belong in this role?
Do I belong on this team?
Both inside forces, such as internalised stories of who you are, and outside forces: violence, hate and discrimination, can disrupt our sense of belonging.
Hate and violence from others can shatter our sense of belonging, and it is unfortunately part of the stories of some people who migrate or flee opression.
If you need something hopeful, here is a lovely anti-belonging response to hate and racism from a group of young muslim women. We try not to take people’s hate into our hearts centres on the idea from narrative therapy of bringing forth people’s own skills and knowledge, responding to adversity or trauma and linking the lives of people.
Ideas from young muslim women responding to hate:
We keep ourselves upright and smile back
We turn hostility into curiosity – we give very full answers
We remember we have misconceptions too
We remember we are special to someone
Not everyone has someone, and not everyone feels connected to those they are special to, which can make those ideas above difficult to implement for some.
Can counselling and psychotherapy help you find your sense of belonging?
Whether counselling or psychotherapy might help you find your sense of belonging depends on how deeply seated the sense of not belonging is. UK-based psychotherapist, Mark Varhmeyer, has this to say about our most deeply seated belonging, attachment.
Our first sense of belonging is derived from our family of origin. Belonging and attachment are inextricably linked for children and the main role of belonging in our family is, beyond immediate safety, as a means of deriving self-esteem.
If you prefer listening rather than reading, he was interviewed about belonging on the podcast Conversations with Annalise Barbieri:
Counselling or even coaching can be suited to work on a short-term goal or be the place where you find immediate relief in an acute crisis of not belonging or having lost your foothold temporarily.
However, if the issue of belonging is deeply seated and has something to do with how you are (or are not) connected to other people, likely, short-term supportive counselling is not going to bring you what you want. This is because supportive counselling and psychotherapy are different in how problems are addressed.
I offer a way of working that is reaching deeper than what supportive short-term counselling can offer. For more information, read this explanation by psychotherapist Jodie Gale on the difference between supportive counselling and psychotherapeutic counselling.
If not belonging is a struggle in your life, reach out and find out if therapy with me is for you.
