Grief counselling as a different “hello again”
In grief counselling we also look at the relationship to ourselves and how we have internalised the lost other or loved one as a transformative endeavor.
Grief counselling is not just about grief, and the process of mourning often encompasses more than the ache of loss — to make sense of what has happened, approaching relationships, be it with people, with a job loss, a loss of a physical capacity, or a home, we can say “hello again”, but on different terms.
To say “hello again” on different terms is not always easy, as we carry representations of who we lost and also templates from long-term relationships in adulthood and early life, guiding how we act with other people, how we treat ourselves. This in turn influence how we deal with loss and the process of mourning.
It can be difficult to make sense of a loss if we both loved and hated parts of the loved one. We might have lost them slowly to the forgetfulness of dementia or prolonged mental struggles ending in suicide which is a traumatic loss.
After such complicated and traumatic losses, the resentment and anger that might have simmered beneath the surface all along are important to hold alongside feelings of love and care (if they exist), and a longing to also be taken care of after caring for another having pushed our own needs and life aside for a long time.
This holding and tending to all of the messy and sometimes shame-inducing thoughts, feelings and sensations is what is allowed in and held during therapy, unlike in our normal social relationships.
As a therapist and human who also has experienced losses (as all humans have) and sat with people through the process of mourning, I concur with the sentiment in Popova’s essay posted on the Marginalian that:
"no person we have loved is ever fully gone. When they die or vanish, they are physically no longer present, but their personhood permeates our synapses with memories and habits of mind, saturates an all-pervading atmosphere of feeling we don’t just carry with us all the time but live and breathe inside".
Importantly, through the process of therapy, you get the chance to look at the lost person, job, sense of safety or whatever it is you lost and say "hello again", as a transformative endeavour.
Grief counselling as an opening up to see relationships differently.
This does not mean brushing grief under the rug, or not feeling the grief or avoiding it. In therapy, we try to understand all the thoughts, feelings and sometimes broken-heartedness or betrayed expectations related to a loss with curiosity and tenderness.
It goes without saying that not all losses are straightforward, and sometimes the process of grief is about mourning what never was. And in that process, a transformation may also occur so that we start seeing the world and other people differently, and possibilities may be opened up that allow you to feel more alive.
If you want to inquire about grief counselling either online or in my practice in Kangaroo Flat Bendigo, send me an email or give me a call. You can read about my approach to therapy here.
