Suicide bereavement: Every story is different

Suicide bereavement is different for everyone. I have worked in the space and seen the effects on bereaved, now providing therapy for suicide bereavement in Bendigo and online Australia-wide. Albeit it is not the only life stressor or psychological pain I see people for.

Guilt is a frequent visitor in suicide bereavement, as we may wonder if we said something that upset the person, or if we should have noticed that they were not quite right.

Even if we held on to hope for the person and wanted them to live, there might be a sense of consolation for those bereaved, as the person who suicided struggled to live for a while, sometimes for years. But guilt and what-ifs could still visit, and we may suffer the ongoing hardship of regret, wishing things had finished differently.

I am aware, as I am writing these words, that some of you might read this post and be bereaved by suicide and also have thoughts of suicide. Both are possible, and everyone’s story leading up to bereavement is unique, albeit in many cases also similar to some other people’s stories.

Whether you were a colleague, a doctor, a teacher, a friend or a close family member, the despair of losing someone to suicide can feel shattering and painful in many different ways.

It matters to be listened to with the perspective of ‘many different ways’ as the context surrounding a suicide varies, and therefore, therapy will be tailored to each person as should be the case for any psychological therapy.

How do I know if I need to see a therapist if I lost someone to suicide?

Not everyone needs to see a therapist and receive counselling after suicide bereavement, but it can be a very lonely space. It is related to ambiguous grief, and some of the things you feel the need to talk about are perhaps not things you may feel comfortable speaking to family members or friends about. For example, suicide can be linked to family violence.

It can also be a shocking and overwhelming experience if you found the person. Nightmares, sleeplessness and other intrusions making it hard to cope may come upon you. Therapy may help but sometimes a person needs more of a team around them to support. Talking to your GP could also be helpful.

How is family violence and suicide linked?

Family violence and suicide are correlated, and the rage or other complicated feelings following suicide bereavement are often intricately linked in painful ways to the relationship with the person who suicided. This article by The Conversation describes some of the links.

Perhaps the person who suicided hurt you, and everyone who knew them saw them as a good person? If that were the case, it could make it difficult to talk about, and it could be a reason to seek therapy.

How is inadequate mental health care and the psychological effects of work playing a role in suicide bereavement?

Other suicides have been ascribed to inadequate mental health care responses, such as in Victoria, and nationally due to a lack of prevention and support when it was needed following service in the Australian Defence Forces. Bullying and harassment has also been raised as a cause.

If you are a health professional and lost a client or a patient to suicide, there's also a possibility for ethical pain or moral injury as you might work in a system that has been bestowed with inadequate resources to do the work.

The loved ones left after a suicide loss can also feel, understandably, devastated thinking, this could have been avoided.

How do social injustice and inequality fit with suicide, and how does it leave those bereaved by suicide?

Many suicides and tragic deaths have happened over time in Australia influenced by politics and years of oppression, colonisation, racism and discrimination - leaving those bereaved feeling enraged as described by narrative therapist Anne-lise Ah-Fat (2024, p. 52):

‘Close friends and I organised for loved ones, comrades and family to be together the Friday of the week he died. We shared photos, memories, ate together, cried, made space for rage (which there was a lot of), sadness, love, connection and care.’

Poverty and the despair of being chased by the government systems that are meant to serve all Australians have also been suggested to be involved, as this heading from the Guardian suggests:

‘Robodebt-linked deaths could have been prevented if policies assessed for suicide risks, advocates argue‘

Sometimes advocacy and trying to make meaningful change after bereavement helps and we also know it helps our wellbeing helping others and making a difference.

Where do I find help for suicide bereavement in Bendigo?

If you think seeing a counsellor for suicide bereavement is needed, contact me for an initial chat over the phone or send me an email. I work out of 76 Church Street in Kangaroo Flat.

Lifeline Central Victoria Mallee also offers bereavement counselling at Bendigo Primary Care Centre.

What support services are there for suicide bereavement Australia-wide?

You can contact StandBy for information or a one-off session. It is free and provided to anyone in Australia.

Remember, Lifeline is also for people bereaved by suicide and available 24/7.

References

Ah-fat, A. (2024). When grief arrives: An oral history of grief and death within queer, trans and Black, Indigenous and people of colour communities. International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, 2024(2). https://doi.org/10.4320/loyl4397