How trauma before a child has words may be a subtle undercurrent in adult life
Sometimes, childhood trauma is not an overt companion in life but can be a confusing and debilitating undertow. You might have managed to establish yourself in life and, on the surface, seem to have opportunities and possibilities, but come into therapy initially because of work stress, anxiety or depression.
What brings someone into therapy is not always clearly linked to experiences of childhood trauma or what we might call early trauma. Sometimes, when trauma happens in childhood with close caregivers, it happens before a child has language to describe it or can remember it as an experience they can articulate.
Trauma is an overwhelming and unbearable experience, but it may also take the form of severe caregiver neglect or indifference, which can feel equally unbearable and so painful that a child shuts down and adapts to not asking for help anymore.
We are shaped in relationships and internalise our caregivers
It’s not uncommon for the inner critic we hear when we feel we've stuffed up to sound familiar, resembling the voice of a parent or other caregiver who was harsh and emotionally abusive. The indifference or emotional neglect of caregivers may show up as feeling numb and lifeless, as though nothing good or warm was internalised from those relationships.
Research shows that early trauma does leave an imprint throughout life. How this imprint affects us varies and is also shaped by nourishing experiences in other relationships throughout life, as well as changes that may occur when caregivers receive the support they need.
How might early relational trauma show up in present life?
Childhood trauma may show up in your life in some of these ways, but not exclusively, as each person has their own unique story and experiences:
When you have your first intimate or sexual relationship, early experiences of trauma may influence how you feel about touch, closeness or distance in the relationship.
When you become a parent, trauma may show up in how you want to protect your own child and make sure they do not experience what you have experienced.
When you interact with others in the workplace or other social settings, there might be a feeling of worry about how you are perceived by others**, and if you don't get things right, you may experience** self-blame and a harsh inner critic. It may also be difficult to believe that others will be there for you and are trustworthy.
When you are alone, despite wanting time to yourself and not ‘wanting a crowd’, you feel empty inside and find it difficult to be alone.
Does it matter whether I know something traumatic happened to me?
You might wonder whether trauma therapy and counselling can help if you cannot remember what happened, or if you are unsure whether something traumatic happened at all. My answer is yes. The narrative therapy and psychodynamically informed work I offer can make room for experiences that are difficult to put into words or make sense of. This is not so much about applying a particular technique as it is about the therapeutic stance I bring to our work together.
We do not need to go on a fact-finding mission to establish exactly what happened in your childhood. Nor do we need to assume that present difficulties must have originated in trauma. We can begin with what is troubling you now: how you experience yourself, what happens in your relationships, and feelings or patterns that you may struggle to understand.
When early difficulties have occurred within close relationships, some of their effects may also become apparent in the therapeutic relationship itself. Perhaps it is difficult to trust that another person will remain interested in you, or you find yourself worrying about getting things right, holding back what you really think, or feeling uncomfortable about needing support. These experiences do not have to be forced into the open or interpreted too quickly. They can be approached with curiosity and explored together as they arise.
Over time, a relationship in which your experience can be taken seriously, including feelings that may be difficult to make sense of, can offer opportunities to understand familiar ways of relating and how they came about. This does not erase the past or require you to revisit experiences before you are ready. Rather, it can help make room for different ways of understanding yourself and relating to others in the present.
The therapeutic frame I offer is consistent and trauma-sensitive, and, among other things, this means that therapy is weekly. Feelings can often be intensified in this type of relational work as it progresses, which is why I do not normally offer therapy less frequently than once a week. If something comes up in a session, it is a long time to wait another two to three weeks to come back and explore with me how you felt about it.
